Digging deep – Jealousy

I am looking deep down in me to uncover the reasons that my friend teaching yoga to my mom hurts me deep down inside. It had happened before too, when another friend of mine was so much into yoga, a friend that finished teacher training with me, and continued on her path while I went on to study design.. I read a few days ago about jealousy and how you can stop feeling the way you feel (or maybe not “stop” but kind of redirect it) and it’s all so fine when I read the text, until the next time I’m confronted with it. The sad thing is, I am also happy about the achievements of them, but deep down I feel “why couldn’t I do it, why I never put myself into this thing -yoga- I really like” or better “if I had done the class, probably most of my friends wouldn’t come, I told them before to do yoga, and they never listened to me, I’m just not that kind of person that other people listen to”.

This is a feeling like someone is simultaneously punching your stomach and stabbing you in the heart while pushing down your throat to keep your tears inside (well, when I put it like this, it sounds more horrible then it really is since I suppose there are things in life that hurt more). The thing about this is, I want to feel happy, and all I find inside is an anger to myself, and to all the things I couldn’t do, that grows to be an anger to those people that achieve the things I wanted to. But if I haven’t achieved them, doesn’t it mean that I actually didn’t want to?

That’s the point, I’m too afraid to even be in this field. I feel so small, so deeply vulnerable, since the yoga practice is something that cuts me open and pours everything I have out there, and how can I stand there, being all so vulnerable and then see my friends not coming, my mom not joining, people not liking the class.. So deep down is this only about my ego? About what people will think of me? Am I only a selfish yogini that does yoga for my own good, teach for my own egoic benefits? Maybe.. That’s what i feel i need to dig more.. The feeling of rejection, not being taken seriously, not being loved..

I know how silly I sound as I write them, but this is a silly world. I dedicated my morning yoga to myself today, telling myself I am enough, I am whole, I believe in myself and I love myself. Maybe i just need to do this a lot more, since it seems like the well of my soul goes deep down.

“What you resist, persists”. Maybe I should just let whatever I’m feeling take over me, swear to my friends, swear to my oh-so-miseable self and scream to the world about the bundle in my stomach due to my dearest friends’ happiness. Maybe if I put myself out there not worthy to be loved, I can pass over the feeling that I need to be loved. It worked with looking stupid thing back at the time, you know, when you do something so stupid intentionally, that you don’t anymore care if people think you are stupid..

Oh well.. Don’t know the next action, but I know I have more digging to do. I know the root of all these is just a little girl, hoping to be found and hugged, and maybe offered some ice cream, so I’ll start from the end and get ice cream on my way home..

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